Black rose.

They say, every rose has its thorns. Where beauty and perfection lies, hides pain and suffering. Something like that. I know i can give much, much more than compared to now, which is barely...half? My emotions are thick and heavy. And worse still, i've been dyed black. It's no wonder that i rarely confide in people and rather keep things to myself.

Just had a dream...that in the month of august, a separation will occur again. It's linked to so much anger and hatred... And i've a feeling i know who it is. It'll spark off so much emotions, so much suppressed feelings that possibly, circles of people could be affected. Well...i'm trying all i can to stop it. It's gonna come anyway...

My emotions change so quickly. And worse still...i haven't fully confronted my past hurt that now whenever i have feelings for another person, i can't fully...love that person. Never could from young anyways. Always feeling numbed, disappointed, frustrated and angry. And feeling like i can't confide because people leave me advice, and not lend me their heart. As quoted, i don't need a defender, just a soulful listener. I need something that can release my feelings properly, and not unleash them in that destructive way that landed me in the hospital. It's not love, and i'm starting to lose hope in it too. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling like i'm doing everything. Most of all...i'm tired of knowing that i'm not strong enough to support so many people.

Sigh.

"I had never met such a person like you. Somehow, you could catch my attention everytime you walked past me. Maybe it was just a silly me, hoping for the impossible. But i guess i see forever in us...

Love left me hurt and crying, now that i see you, you just make me happy and want to stand up again. One problem, i'm too shy to approach you... I know one thing...i would blush ever deeply in your vicinity.

To you, i would be just another boy in the crowd who was mesmerized . Just someone that stands with the rest and simply thinks of you everyday, waiting to see , and always hoping.

See that? I'm jumping up and down trying to catch your attention. You're really cute you know that? Such a sweet girl, ever rare with so many suitors. I'm just a face in the crowd...

You are simply beautiful to me. Hey, who knows. We could actually have something real between us? Please give me a reply...it's driving me crazy that i'm missing you and you're not the least bit about me.

Smile always they say, but whenever i see you playing and laughing with another guy, i get jealous >< even thought you're not mine...and just that one day. I had to repeat the first word of each paragraph...to you. Its ridiculously cheesy but accept me please?"

All i can hope is cross my heart and hope for the best. Where's the reaasurance? Where's the person i thought i could trust and rely on? I don't know. And i'm lost...
I put too much priority into relationships. Today...is the anniversary. Who am i kidding~ why am i still thinking back? Every minute is a reminder of exactly a year ago, everything that happened. I first met her. The day that led me to become, me. Every minute is excruciating. And people ask why i look so tired today. It didn't pass quickly at all, but every minute feels like an hour. A scar that reminds me why i failed in a relationship so badly. The first. The person that no matter...i'll still turn back if you do. Kai Yoon made some sense. Love may fade but it will never go.Now i wonder...how has your year been?

Horrible day. Not feeling well, dead tired and so much work to do. Tomorrow is the longest day ever. Plus oral practice. As with my emotions now...i feel as if everything is crap. I'm just watching, bearing through things. I haven't heard someone tell me, 'things will be fine' in the longest time. I want and desperately need that kind of reaasurance. Once i recover, only more heartless and cold...

I lost my perception of time, feels like an hour where a minute passes and a minute when an hour passes. Right from wrong, the hundred racing thoughts excite and break me down. I started to lose sight of who is there for me and who's not. I'm playing with emotions again, not to change others. This time, to find myself again.

Talk about breaking down. If not for glenson, weihan derrick jian xun yikang kaiyoon, i would be so damn quiet today. I don't think i would have even said a word. Too bad i have to be the person needy of feelings, so reliant. So many things to worry, to mind, so many people to handle, so many events to attend. My feelings are grinded down to bare nothing. Especially today where i don't know what to feel at all. Another reason why i should not enter a relationship. My emotions are the problem.

I have this kind of emotions too. It's not messy. It's catastrophic.

Past of me in you.

Re reading my previous blog at all-in-mayday.blogspot.com , and comparing it with the feelings i went through today, i can say something safely. I'm the kind to change emotions quickly, but if they stay on a person, it's gonna last till it kills me. But now even if my feelings are serious, it can still be taken by another without any form of acknowledgement,like as if the person needs to tell me they feel the same way for me to be held down. It always feels that someone else can easily claim the place unless there's something to hold me down. I'm a free spirited kind of person, with super heavy emotions, dark logic and even darker memories. I'm not flying far these few days~ yeah. I need someone to rely on badly. I care too hard and the irony is that my feelings end while caring for the person. I'm a huge ball of problems at the start. Not worth it to be fought for any way i see myself. I give up fast too. Too many things to worry about a person, related to a person. And most of all, if i feel as if things aren't gonna work out. Mine is burning out exceptionally fast. Another friend faces a break away. Another faces pressure. Facing suicide. Facing depression. Facing...all that. I have to give myself a break i swear...

From dream makes i saw a phrase that touched me to no end
"Cherish the loved ones you have today, even if it's just a small hug because i can't do it anymore even if i wanted to"
-Yu Fan

"You see that thing you love so much? Good. It will be gone any second now, what would you do?"
Reminds me of how i didn't cherish. How i forever thought i was correct, thought my logic was the centre of the world just because i could be impartial most of the time. I see now... That same logic cost me nearly my sanity. Now it relies on others, being quite reliable just because it's what people say. That's my impartial now. Your own words will become a double-edged sword. Tell me you love her, then hurt her. A fine example~

i'm seriously tired i guess. I got angry at her for the first time. It's that familiar bittersweet feeling. That reminds me i don't wanna lose important people anymore. That...i shouldn't make her that important. I don't even dare take the next step. I know i'm gonna lose someone in the end.

The first time.

"The first time i walked, people around me were cheering. They were happy.

The first word i spoke, people were encouraging me, telling me to go on.

The first word i wrote, was insight to how far i would go. People pinned hopes on me.

The first birthday i celebrated, i was the centre of attention.

The first lessons i took, people started looking, judging.

The first time i fell, people laughed, some stopped to help.

The first time i cried, it was dark and lonely, and my heart broke.

The first time i felt a friend, i teared, that was what i needed.

The first time i failed, i was down but people pushed me on.

The first time i was overwhelmed, nobody was there to listen to my feelings.

The first love i had, i fell so deeply that i couldn't get out.

The first argument i had, i was shattered and emotional.

The first time i took things into my own hands, i would never get to mourn again.
-Because by then, this first time would also be my last."

Me.

A walking contradiction. I don't want you close to me but you're all i want. I'm addicted to you but i break from you. I want to care for you but i don't want to annoy you. I love you, and i don't want you to be sick of me.

Today was quite unpleasant. 2 sciences and maths, 3 humanities. Drained extremely badly...then to have you annoyed and down. Wanted to make sure you wrre alright. Remember myself nearly fainting a few times on the way home. My head hurts and i've so much to do...

Mind is meddling up, all the info's swirling in my head like a sick soup. Spinning, cloudy and dark...slowly losing focus on what i have. What i can do, bit by bit~
"In a dark room, noises creep everywhere. A torch lights, lighting only itself and a blade, where the glow slies down the tip. Hot, it comes closer. It singes and sears your skin, cutting into the finger bone. Muscles sizzles and blood forms a sick crust, and it continues through effortlessly. Finally the blade is pulled out, leaving it to hang on a strand of muscle. The pain is all too real. All you do is scream, but nobody will help"

Yeah. Feel like i'm in that dark room, with more blades cutting me. I scream for help inside, but i never want to burden any of my closer friends. I can only hope that the laughter they bring me offers a breather and a spark enough for me to hang on a little while more. And one more emotion joins the fray.

All i want to do is to hold you, take care of you. Cheesy. But yeah...i'm too tired to wait. The irony is this, my feelings start in care but also ends in care. I'd just wish that you'd return these feelings, already so thick quickly. I'm selfish like this. I just want you to be mine.

You.

A hundred jewels, a thousand diamonds. The glitter and galore held no meaning, only the sheen beneath. Seems that i found a stone among gems, where it's really treasure among the riches.

This stone heart demands priceless and worthy that such a rarity was impossible.
An experience that leaves me senseless. An emotion that leaves me dazed. A person having me want to take care of her every day more.

Always getting me worried. Always has her way of clinging on my mind. Always has that want just to be with her. How many nights must i spend, how many more need i waste to make her accept me...

I feel your hesitance. My fault... Past experiences. I used unpredictability to my advantage and it seems that now it backfires and skewers my heart everyday.
I feel your uneasiness. I was named heartless and a player before. Leave it to me to prove that i'm loyal but how long does that take?
I feel your doubts. I'll show you the darkest, deepest sides of me. I just hope you won't run, cos it's not what but who's inside.

I'm an algamation of all those that held a knife to my heart before. I still care for these people, even though i don't talk to them no more. They still hold their place and nothing will replace it. But you'll get my throne, held in the highest place to me.

I nag because i care. I get angry because of the love to you. I feel the pain whenever you are hurt. It's so much easier to walk away, but it's gonna be sweeter to bear with the pain of you hurting than the pain of losing you.

I see through the walls people put up, if i'm really down to it your defenses are paper. But i'll let you hurt me instead. I deserve this part.

And finally. I can be what you want, i can be what you need, anytime, hopefully everytime. But i can't be everything. My psyche has it's ever withdrawing limits.

Tired~

It would be selfish of me to put in all my feelings when i'm so unstable myself right?

Feel what i do just a minute, go through the hell behind it. I know, emotions. I'm emotional, way too sometimes. I keep all the old memories of past flames so i don't make the same bloody mistakes that cost me the scars today. And that phone cover is exactly the same as hers. That's why...

I turn back to these old flames because they all teach me something in common. Treasure the person before they are gone. The other smaller storylines are, not taking the person for granted, don't play with their feelings and don't mess with how they think. I'm interested in psychology. I learnt exactly how to play with people~

My body is detiorating fast. I lost 4 kg in a month and am still losing fast. My mind is turning on itself, and my faith has shaken and crumbled. But here i am, not wanting people to take the burden of me.
Everytime i like someone i go through charts of compatibility(yes it really happens). That's why i can change so quickly, through hard logic. I'm not truly a player, just someone who thinks more. But then...with every person adds on to my past a little heavier. I'm smiling yes but this feeling in my chest, like a little nibbling always there, reminding me every minute. Put aside for everyone else and...now i want someone to pour it iut to. Then again, i've been saying that for a year already. 12 years was my limit

My mind is struggling and now the turmoil of emotions for someone is present too. I just wanna sleep and wake up refreshed. That's all... I'm seriously tired. The predicted date is coming closer. I'm getting more scared day by day. I'm getting weaker minute, by minute.