To allow people to know what is happening in your life at its very moment would also be to tell them of your weaknesses, your flaws because they know of how you react and how you think. I guess its a habit i let people i briefly know, know of my recent past. Actually not many friends reach that part either. Someone told me that i appear rather mysterious and quite a solemn person. He is not wrong. I dont want to connect with too many people, and those i connect to i form really strong bonds. So to even know of my past i guess i can call you a friend. Then my family status would be next, my conditions so on but i guess only a few people know what's really happening. That's why i gave this link to a few people. The rest were.. given the link or they somehow found this.(i think no one actually reads this anymore but who cares.) So if you know this bloglink, and i know that you do, please do consider yourself special to me heh. But i guess the closest are those i can tell my feelings to when they happen. Thats only really like 4 people now and thats more than what i ever asked for. Im happy to know them and they know it themselves how many times i could turn stupid and they've also seen the lowest of me. I guess its because of how they reacted when i first presented myself to them. To see how you react to me i guess decides if i want to know you more. Is that it?
D.R.O.P class later. I expecting a lot from this and i swear after exam periods i will have all out trainings. I cannot afford to rest anymore.
Which brings me to this. I don't know what sickens me more. The fact that i have really high standards set for myself, or the fact that... All along i was never good enough for even myself. So many times the thoughts in my head turn to suicidal thoughts, just because i was unsatisfied with myself and no matter how much i do, how much i train, in dance for example i still do horrible. Some trainings has had me so tired out, so long and im nowhere. This sucks.. then not just for myself. For other people too. I can never fulfill the promises i made to myself and i can never fulfill their expectations. Sometimes i feel that i should disappear from their lives, be a hermit and live in obscurity away from the civilities of human monarchy. Actually, that sounds really good.
I've learnt to live alone many times over. Now it seems, i'm starting to look for security and stability which is strange because i'm supposed to be the one giving that. I guess its ingrained in me the singaporean lifestyle.
Thinking back i realised this.even though i was really, truly in love with you i was more in love with the idea of being with you. I forgot to be a friend for you and all i wanted was you for me. Selfish of me.. i'm sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment