I think it will do me good to avoid writing for awhile. But here i'm just going to rant out some things that's been weighing pretty heavily on my recently.
So there's the usual. Classmates.. i'm kind of worried i wont be able to bond with them like how i was able to in the past. I took a pretty drastic step to make sure i didnt hurt anyone and now, the way i see things, i'm starting to think i'm not suited for the hospitality course, or even the business courses. Like what they say, maybe i'm more suited to be an engineer and stuff. Or maybe i could be a designer since i spend so much time daydreaming and thinking. Suddenly rethinking my choice like this... Ugh. It really does say a lot about me when i can barely bond with my classmates and its only year 1, sem 1. What more the times to come...
And this. I maybe distanced from my classmates now but there are some that even though we dont talk, the closeness still remains. I've always had this uncanny ability since young to feel what a certain person is feeling. Only to specific people for what reasons, i'm not sure and yes i do feel their stress and for some, heartache even but what can i do. Making them laugh would be the temporary escapade they might need but is it really enough? Maybe i can let them rant but somewhere i would always want to be more than that, like a pillar of support for them always. And yet all i can do is just to make them laugh.
Then well theres the family stuff. Cousins has been coming over so i cant really find the solace i need at home so nowadays i'm extra, extra burnt out and i'm probably running on fumes now just that my body wont listen to my mind. I wanna take one good day and sleep but exams are coming closer, presentations, whats new. I'm actually not that stressed. I think i'm finally listening to my head.
Then the unusual one. I feel quite... Outcasted in fb. Maybe its just me, but yes i'm in that clique. Or the two biggest cliques in the junior batch(not that its that big but...relatively) but as the group gets bigger and bigger that sense of belonging i have grows smaller and smaller. And should ever these two come together i might actually eject myself from the clique. I rather have a small group i can constantly practice the small things with then a big group with inconsistent people turning up every now and then. What more, even fuckers who think i teach them the wrong thing even though its the same as what i teach the rest.
Put that aside, there are people in fb who are not in these cliques that i know of, some i really hope they dont leave, turning up less and less. And i know myself, i'm not motivated anymore to go all out during trainings. Maybe during the pt, but now all i do is enough for the seniors to be happy. Going down this path, hiphop may even reach a point where it becomes meaningless. The seniors focus way too much on the basics and i feel they have forgotten one thing so important. They always say that music comes before dance? How many times were we taught to enjoy the music first? We were told many times to enjoy but shown much more the be drilled to the beat. Hiphop... I wish i was truly a good dancer. Not just because i have a little bit more experience.. i think entered fb more to find friends than to dance. I'm the worst haha
Pretty...
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