Too introverted

So just being me as normal, i've been pondering yet again and as i walked home just now i asked myself, why do people change and what makes a friendship last. So.. i kind of thought back to a certain friend i was so close to. I guess for her it was my fault so... Next. Another person. Someone whom i thought of as a leader initially but now lost quite a bit of credibility in  my eyes. Couldn't stand by what she said, contradicted everything. I guess she changed too. From when i met her in april till now. Then there's this guy. I thought that he would support me like he said he would. But guess what. You guessed it. School work aside, it feels like he's turned his back on me. And its not just him. The clique i used to be the closest to, the first clique i had in nyp now broke up. We used to laugh so much and now some of them regard me so coldly. Makes me regret coming into nyp sometimes when i think back. Then there are some people i wish i was closer too but similarly, they became something else under strain and hardwork and its disappointing.

Then Derrick asked me, 'what about you?'

I didnt have an answer. I guess yeah, i deserved all of that. I was the start of all that, and in this time all i did was blame them. It was childish to have isolated myself from everyone at that time, it was to protect them rather. i changed quite alot myself for 3 months. I became even more introverted, i became much more self centred and i became a lot more cautious in things i do. Nobody to blame for me not being able to know more people. But i guess i'm glad that in this time it was able to sift out who are the people who are real to me. Some became closer to me, the people know can last a life time with me. Those that drifted away, i guess... I'm really not such a good friend huh. I'm sorry. I guess its only really worth the time if you ever get this close to me. I think this is among the strongest reasons i avoid people sometimes.

And that's the problem with introverts. I spend most of my time in my own world, making sense of the world outside and trying to keep my self from the outside. Reality and fantasy doesn't mix well and its just the same, because if my thoughts ever materialized then the world would either be perfect or suddenly sullen, a morose and deep place. And its not for the faint hearted in here. The full range of emotions that passes through here is truly hellish to handle sometimes. It's difficult when you have no control of them. But i have my reasons to hold on, and that is my strongest motivation. A someone. But even that.. is slowly weakening. I don't have much time left actually. Or i don't know how much time i have left.

So... Now how much i can wish and wish, and work hard and work my ass off i'm getting no where. Sometimes i feel like i need a hug, sometimes i feel like i need a week apart from human contact. I'm tired haha of feeling this alone, and yet i abhor human contact. I'm sick of waiting and i'm scared to try. And i hate to see you down, but i'm only letting you do that. What is with me. Why... Am i this useless?

I really miss you, yaknw?