The worst is over. I hope.

"They say love is the 7th sense that can turn the other 6 senses into nonsense and as powerful as it may seem, is rarer than common sense."

I've lost way too much sleep in the past two weeks just simply mulling over a mistake that i've made. Coupled with the lower points in the depressive cycle. It seems that tonight I've hit the lowest point. My emotions spilled over my limit without my consent. This low has been the lowest since the first episode in 2012, unbelievably too making it possibly one of the toughest times I've faced alone up till now. It has blinded my eyes from what is truly neutrals, what was to harm and what was to help me and instead flipped everything around, almost even had me losing total control and breaking my promise.This shows so much about me, I should never have to fall in love and reach that difficult stage, for should both coincide I will be in trouble. But also today I see that while I may stumble, I definitely did something right in the past for me to still be standing now. Back then, I set something inside me correctly.

The evening was a tough one. Even before, my emotions has never been so fluid before and so explosive. I was suddenly on the verge yet again but simply a name would be enough to bring me back out.

But at least I gain. I stretched my mental and emotional capacity yet,new perspectives and angles to look at problems, But one thing is sure. I will not allow myself to fall for another person anymore, not at least for another few years. Maybe I will, if things don't work out now, maybe. I would have to look for someone who thinks along the same way as me, someone who hates to settle down but wants a home to return to,someone who loves to travel and has a free spirit like me, someone whom i can find emotion, physical and mental solace in when around her. Perhaps I was not meant to find love in my life, perhaps I was not meant for receiving but to give. But still, I need to rebuild this place I've set aside for her, since it was damaged from this rare an episode,Yes I know I can sustain myself pretty well enough but when this space is filled up, I know that everything I knew, everything I have will change for the better a hundred times over and I am hella excited for that time to come. I really hope I have met this person already,I hope it's the same person I have in mind. My my, isn't she just beautiful. I'd love to see her now.

Just now I met a really old friend. She hasn't change much from the last time I seen her. My first teacher really and we still click well. It seems that in a blink of an eye,  a decade has passed already. I am still in shock when she said that I seemed to have the environment in control, but I forgot to feed myself. I guess when you teach that many generations of students it becomes apparent huh.

"Since I met you I see a balance you have, when you forget to give to others you would always look sickly, skinny or tired. When you forget to give to yourself, your eyes would always look tired. And my, your eyes looks so dulled now"

Now that the lowest of the cycle is over, I can look forward to brighter days now. How much I really needed days like that, and thank god for some classmates who could cheer me up everytime.

Again and again

"And as I was once asked, which is more important to a bird, the left or the right wing? Is it more important to love, or be loved?"

Of all times for me to have a flashback/ revelation, it has to be in macroecons lecture. Suddenly thought back to one trying time and how all I did was encourage myself, and helped myself back up again and there was one lesson I needed the most, the most important of all. One I had almost lost my life for. Didn't I already learn how to live by myself? Why is it that now I am in need of someone else to function? And in the midst of a depressive period I had the strength to look up again. It is still gratifying that he still resides somewhere in the recesses of my mind and still watches out for me when I need it most.

Not just that too, even the article I chose for my ICA is a fitting topic for me now. I forgotten how long has it been since I chose to abandon myself in order to be with someone, to change parts of me to crucial that they maintain a certain balance in me just to suit the environment. Now I see truly, What the hell was I thinking? . What are you going to give to people if you give what's most important to sustain yourself away? It's just insulting myself, letting what I built up so painstakingly go to waste in such a short time but hey, I'm looking to redo it. And now I swear, no more. I won't allow this to happen again.

An elder once taught me to take care of a love as if I would to a rose, first to appreciate the rose for what it is, to be aware of what it may do, and to take it as it is, meaningful, painful and beautiful

And this one line keeps on coming back into my head. There are two ways to hurt someone you love. One is by not giving to them, the other is not giving to yourself.

And with this realisation I hope that I may sleep in peace tonight, no nightmares, no emotional waves, no panic attacks. I cannot afford to lose out of my ICA tomorrow. Gonna bullshit for 3 whole minutes again I guess. And probably the harshest of all. I have to be ready to lose you again.

A drop once more

"My heart should be well-schooled, cus I've been fooled in the past. But still I fall in love so easily,I fall in love too fast."

It should come as no surprise that in this frequency of writing, i have suddenly found a need to be continuously writing and that can only mean one thing, the cycle is reaching the lower points again. Living in and out of this cycle is not a joke and not to mention with other stronger feelings at play here, it's not making things any easier. I wish i could tell myself to just change my perspective as an when i would like it while in the higher points but not really now, i want someone or something to hold on to as it progress and hopefully i can survive this round. It seems that coupled with condensed emotions it is not as easy as before. Not that it was easy before but this time it feels so much draggier.

I wouldn't say that i have learned to handle this so well I could brush it off anytime i needed to. It's not anywhere near as simple as just influencing my thoughts when it is in my brain, somewhere something has been so utterly ruined and disfigured that where in normal male brains would show zero response, mine would be unbelievable active, more so than girls at this stage. And today i figured that all these were started once upon a time because i wasn't strong enough and now i pray that i may be strong enough to live through yet another episode. This is halfway through the second month and i'm not giving up so easily yet. I went through worse and this, will be just another one .

Maybe it is going down at this time to remind me of a tensile, cheerful me and how much effort it took to get back up. I admit, i am starting to take things for granted. I am starting to take the people around me for granted. Here i am listening to Chet Baker while i write, and I start to reminisce, about the times when jazz and the old English times were of such significance to me, The few that brought about the underlying sides to me,albeit an extremely private one.

"And I'll be standing here with someone new, there will be other songs to sing, another falls and other springs but there will never be another you"

Suddenly came across an old picture while i went ice skating, I miss that time so so much. One of the most eventful ever in my life up till now, I lost a really precious person, i gained 2 brothers. I, for once, saw what life outside could lay down into your soul for the first time and look where i am now. I guess if the me back then meets me now, he would be pretty proud, yet somewhat sad too.

I'm a little tired of guessing. It's like most of the time you don't even cross my mind anymore ,no, you are just there the whole time and i swear, i love you to death. And maybe that's why this time around i really need to keep myself in  check, i'm not going to let the other side come out again. Carefully i must work around this time for if i don't i might just lose everything again. My gosh how i'd wish to have you with me now.

HTML is pretty fun actually hehe cus.

• It's kind of intruiging
• It's good practice i shall try this everytime
• better than all memory work

Oh and this is the link to my first blog should anyone want to see it
All In Mayday

Rewalked

Pretty much today I took a good walk down the memory lane. Should be of no surprise what i decided to relook in my life over again. From one person, to another till now...it seems there was all a common thing for them, and for me too. I guess each time i had found them along this rugged path they were partly broken and my role was to fix them, to let them feel again, to let them know that they truly deserve much better, anything. The one constant thing was that after me, these people all definitely found better and i am happy for them. And not that I am so perfect to say that they are broken hearted people, for I am on the extreme end of the scale for madness myself and well, all I can say is that along the way these people are the same ones who taught me to break, to let go and some of life's harshest lessons. I don't hate them anymore. I have yet to thank these people and well, i really wanna meet up with one of them sometimes soon.

Each have pieced me up to be this complex, unsettled creature that's pretty adaptive yet unyieldingly stubborn. Let's say, calling me two faced would be looking down on how much more i can do. And i've learnt that i might not be the suitable partner i imagined myself to be, really through the tears and the tougher nights i found myself to be a provider. Strange isn't it. It is just in me to provide  respite for the weary and concern for the worn. A shelter for storms with a simple window with simple view. Yet everyone will see something different in the same view and for each i'll be able to provide a new perspective. And for that, i will never make a good partner. all i can really do is wait, and wait till someone can see that maybe, this shelter needs some repairing too.

The way i see some people who are breaking down and are struggling, that's good but sometimes, some rare times when holding on is going to hurt more than letting go, one must learn to be like a tower of blocks. For example, let's say everyday 3 blocks fall off and you replace 2. It's gonna take hell of a time for it to finally finish and by the time the whole tower is down, how tired will you be? Sometimes, you need to knock the whole damn thing down and rebuild it from scratch, Learn to be vulnerable, learn that that is only natural is vulnerability is the first step to being stronger. And by rebuilding from scratch can you ensure that what you build up, will be stronger, better and faster, and something that you want. That's one thing i learnt in the hardest way
Another thing i learnt is that when you feel anxious thte muscles in your shoulders and chest tend to tense up too. Maybe that can be a way to help people relax, just relax that area.

I'd love to have someone sit with me and look at the stars, and argue whether they were stars or satellites. I'd really love to find someone like that. I shall leave with a quote i find really relevant to my life.

"It's not the quality of your love, but the quality of the people you are loving."

Saddened

"Maybe someday i'll find someone who, like me, sees the fire in slow jazz or hears the love in soul. Someone that'll look to the sky when she listens to piano tones and pines the same as i do for her, Someone who likes her tea a little sweeter, a little more fragrant on a nice Saturday morning by her bed, someone who dances the same steps and feels the flow and flows with me. Maybe i'll find someone who finds solace in sitting by the window on a rainy day and staring at the window, guessing which raindrop hits the bottom of the pane first. Maybe she will be just like me, outgoing by day and self-absorbed by night, coming home from a day with friends to a home of rest.

But I'm terrified, petrified. What if one day I do find this person, but every time I look at her I look for you? What if every time she laughs, I look for your laugh and what if every time she feels happy,I still look for your eyes?

But I still want to believe in you. Maybe one day you'll realize something meaningful in your life and it will turn around to be better. It may not have happened yet, and I may not have met you, but I still want to believe that you are there somewhere and one day our paths may cross and the meaningful thing to happen to you is our meeting. It'll be alright if I never meet you. At least I'll have something to believe and hold on to."

I'm just like anyone else, They say that what one loses in their childhood they seek to replace in their adulthood. Some seek for it as it as, others give to receive in others. I guess that's why i have a sort of parental instinct from young age.I ,like anyone else, have massive fears and i have emotional problems that i know i cannot handle alone, and i am learning to cope(finally) and the one thing i have been looking for so far is not anything of extreme trials, but actually just a companion. Not that i'm really really lonely, but i guess i have been looking for someone whom i can sit down comfortably in silence with. I've learnt to accomodate to people

. I've changed many things of me to the point i've really had it. I cant hide it anymore. For once in a long time, suppression didn't work and i can feel a certain problem coming back. I feel absolutely unappreciated, like thrash, and for once in my life i feel like the person people will approach when they need help and leave when they don't, the wall that people bounce their problems off and leave that wall to crack and weather rain and shine alone

It's been a month since production, the last time i felt this upset. I guess tonight i'm not getting any sleep. I hate how when i get emotional nightmares accompany also. sigh...

Slept

It's really weird. The rainy mood and batch stretching served as a reminder to me, or should i say, a very old me. The songs being played only helped me remember a very strong, albeit a little strange, promise i made back a while ago.
Not really to anyone, but to myself really. I was not supposed to feel attached to anyone anymore since her and here i am, stuck in a very strange position. I have my whole heart bearing me forward and my whole head pulling me back and there's me, stuck between watching things unfold and making things unfold. A four way dilemna. This absolutely sucks..

My dance has came to an abrupt halt. Probably a big plateau to overcome again. Every plateau i face is bigger and bigger, tougher and tougher. I miss my roots of music in guitar. Maybe i'll quit dance, go back to guitar, go back to reality. Its getting tough to balance so much at once..

And hey, i'm looking towards changing course. Maybe change school. Maybe change this entire life of mine.

Someone ever taught me to keep the deepest reserve of the space of your heart for the one to come. Its ready for sure. But... Im terrified. For many reasons and many things. I need a hug. LOL

Confused

Everything is starting to break down. Not all in a bad way. My dance is breaking down, my locking is losing its form and my popping is starting to gain its flow. My hiphop is losing its power. My body is slowly losing power. I dont know how long this body can stand before it falls to sickness and there are so many events for fb that its really pissing me off, after junior year, unless jin wen requests for performances, i'm not coming back ugh.

Then theres this thing. I dont know how to feel exactly. I'm pretty torn between my head, my heart and my instincts. My head is telling me to do whatever i want, my heart is telling me to go all in but my instincts are warning me to get the fuck out. But alas, you mean more than anything all of a sudden where before, you were just another face in the crowd and now you're the only person i want more time with. Suddenly you're the cutest thing that ever happened to me.

I dont really know whats happening, but this month i will spend the time fully and by the time its over, then i'll make my decision on whether... I want to continue or not.