December again.

What better way to end the rough November than with ice skating. I swear every time I go on the ice and from the moment I feel comfortable and start sprinting, I feel myself bending lower and going faster, the cool air in my face and the clap of the blades on the ice,  I see somewhere in my imagination me trying to keep my balance and staying up in the speed and not crashing into the walls at such speeds. My soul feels alive, this is one of the rarer times I can ever feel so, almost like I'm fighting for my life, not to crash and hit the walls. I feel as if I am finally present in myself, as like at times when I fall hard into trances when dancing. I feel the struggle and albeit a little strange, it is very comforting. And like every other time I would only skate if I felt so burdened by everything because well, skating always helps me take my mind of everything. Lighten my heart and clear my mind. I guess now I can start December pretty decently, having cleared out my feelings. I have to start over again.With myself, with everyone else.

It feels exactly the same a year ago. It seems it will be another December, like how it is seen in the movies. Lonely, in a snowy hut. That's how I actually feel sometimes. Another Christmas about to be spent waking up knowing that this one might have been different this year but really..Christmas is both important as family, and as romantically. Something I chose to commemorate in both ways and only once was it celebrated the way I dreamed but even then was a bitter Christmas.I hope this year will be different.

Nostalgic day spent. With my closest friend. Haven't seen you in such a long time and yes, seeing you kind of made everything better. I really am glad I met you in Peirce. There isn't quite anyone I know now I can tell everything to and not feel apprehensive about it. There isn't anyone else I can tell all the rubbish emotions and let my facades down and be myself and know that you are still really something to me. Now I don't make efforts for just friends. I don't make efforts for anyone really. But when I do, even if I just say I care or I have made even small efforts then damn you do mean something real big to me. And you, are one of those friends I'd drop everything I'm doing to help you like you did back then. I only regret not being a better friend for you. Spent the whole day doing what we used to do back in the 6 month holidays. I am happy again.

I feel as tired as I am refreshed, strangely yet comfortably. I feel alone as I am surrounded, only by the people I do not want around me. I feel...out of love as I am in love. I do not know where I stand in myself,  perhaps I have been knocked off balance again. I feel a little lost, maybe because my eyes cannot see where I am going but at least my heart is leading me. I trust my instincts.

I miss talking to you all the time.

"Which is more tragic, to be born with eyes but without vision, or to be born with a heart but without love?"

Really lost

Everytime I do a full day of soul searching I learn a little more about myself. Today was no different apart from the fact that it took me back to day 1. And throughout everything I think I have found the problem. Myself really. I got too caught up in everything, and this is how weak I really am. I guess after yesterday's prac I was worn down again to bare minimum yet again. Suprisingly I didn't shut myself out from everyone like I had expected but still, quieter than normal.  My efforts to micromanage everything, where it had succeeded in the past is failing now. I have to admit I really went wrong somewhere. And maybe it will be better to leave whatever is in the past there and head forward. So much uncertainties and it seems so vague. Times like this I really want no more than your reassurance. Times like this I just want someone to lie on too. Is this how I'm supposed to feel, scared and alone?  Maybe so. I'll be strong enough to lift not just one, but both of us. Very, very soon...

Moving back higher up since the last drop in the cycle is really tiring. It's much like struggling to walk uphill except, you'll never really know where the mountain top is. You struggle on and on, days become brighter but everyday you feel a little more tired. And even I am trying hard not to wither and collapse. Every once in a while I meet someone in this cycle that is able to push me harder and harder, and is worth the run uphill. I always avoid because of red flags that are raised by instincts, then come to regret it later on. There was once upon a time I thought that without her I would die. Obviously not. Once upon a time I thought that I need someone to be me. Not so. Once upon a time I had to rely on others to live. But well... it seems one of the lesson I learnt the hardest is that there is no point in waiting for someone to pick you up, when they do you will just fall again after they step away even for a little. That's something I must keep in mind. Something that needs to be in me.

So much has been placed into my head and is struggling to settle down. After this emotional wave dies down I have one more thing to settle in myself. With so much in philosophy and logic as my base of thoughts, it seems I have lost the ability to keep conversations with anyone at all. I should really try...after this to open myself up again. No point closing myself up again anymore.

I have to admit. I miss the times laughing and what not. I miss... feeling like myself with you.

But first, closure and explanation for every thing that is happening now. I feel lost. I feel alone and I do feel a little scared.  Do come back...please.

"Flowers blooming after the deepest winters can teach you a good lesson about standing back up"

Soon soon

"It's the trait of the deep thinkers to withdraw into their shell when tired or stressed"

Another night of extreme coughing and really heavy thoughts. Realisations, revelations, it doesn't quite end does it. This week will be a replay of props week for me except many times tougher. I don't know how I can quite survive this week but if I pull through, it really means I have improved from what I was since then. But till this week is over, I shan't say much now. It's only the second day of the week, 4 more days of prac. Much like props week, I know I will withdraw and this round, very, very hard. Maybe so badly that I stop talking to my classmates. Heck that would be worst case scenario already. Like maybe the only 1 or 2 classmates are the people I can actually talk to. In fb, not so many. There are those people but I don't feel close enough with them to tell them at all.  And yes, I really want to rant to someone. I'm starting to feel the angst and frustration build up. I have many ways to get rid of them but hey, it's nice to have someone listen to you once in awhile. Now, nevermind the fact that tomorrow is guys item prac and that its gonna be a bitch to survive. SEAGames is coming and that's pure commitment till June. I don't really mind though... its not really like I'm gonna lose out  on much. I don't have anyone left to lose, I don't have much left to give. Where this is headed, is also in lieu with one of my dreams.

Irony is this, Sometimes you don't get to get the best of both worlds. That feeling sucks definitely but really. How do you expect a person who is involved to be able to settle the problem and even the field again. It's so so tiring to be the mediator. So tiring to hear the feelings of others and not letting your own be heard. Where others leave their prints on you and leave, then when you need the person for the same reason they become so cold.  Given, I will ignore people when I myself am too bogged down by other stuff.Sometimes even I ask for a little in return, Maybe as small as just listening to what I need to say.

Big lesson again in school, through my whole life there seems to be one thing in common. Until I fall and settle down to someone I seem to be always restless, moving from group to group but once I do find someone, once I do fall in love and I am sure that that person is suitable ,I will always come home to the person first thing everyday. Many post ago I spoke about me being somewhat of a social nomad since I was very young and that I would be extremely selective of the people I chose to associate myself with. It seems that there is a connection with the type of people my parents were but, what benchmark do I have? All that I have in myself now, built from scratch . Coming to see people's true colors over time also helped. It seems now that the people I am attracted to have a dark tendency about them. The beautiful depression. No wonder, I was there before and it's something familiar. But still, one of my best traits would be seeing a person for who he/she is. A new category seems to be coming up in me now.

I'm really really tired. From my emotions which I have yet to settle fully. So many loose ends and memories. To clear out each and everyone of them is not a joke, I have always been like this, to protect myself. I need the time, I need to hear your voice again. I need your reassurance. But no matter. I alone will suffice. I still must pull through tougher weeks and if I am not enough for myself then I am some piece of thrash.

Important things.

Finally I found the respite I have been needing for a little while, from my mind, from you from everyone else from everything. I've had a night out and spent it deep in my own thought as well, and really what i'm starting to see now are the things I have always needed since I could ever remember.
For once, the first time in my life, I've finally and actually gained control over something that was not natural, not granted to me the way it was to others. I finally have a grasp of my emotions. It feels like a breath out of the sea, my first steps onto land. I understand why some people are always happy and why some are not, I've felt what is it like to feel another person so fully to the point I was even able to see a little into the future for the person. It seems that finally after my whole life, my emotions that were locked away since i was young and was torn open when I was in sec 3 has finally settled, I have found my balance. I will make this last. I cant quite help but think back to october 25, the night i nearly took my own life for the second time. I gave myself 3 months to live, to see life the way I deemed fit and well, it looks like I might actually win the bet.

Not only that, I found out a purpose I had to fulfill. It seems that I am more than a phase of the lives of others but also, I seem to have a tendency to meet people who needs a way to recover and they always do after me. It seems that I may have an affinity in letting people see they deserve more than the situation they put themselves in, using different methods, whether I still am friends with them or not is a different matter. But still, I might have found something I might be doing for the rest of my life from now on. A passion as strong for my dance. The 5th art I can learn, and it would be a huge honour to, would be to learn how to help people out of their voids as the world had taught me to.

Humans are all complicated creatures who needs complex abstracts to make sense of senseless chaos and use a nonsensical linear method to keep track of an omni-directional growth. Destroy each other for the fun of it and torture one another for own satisfaction. Yet so many forget that no matter how different we are we are all the same, We all live with the blood of one single race coursing through our veins and the flesh of one species. It seems what a senior once told me is really through. Many people struggle to find a fire to light them and only the rarest find that flame within first. It seems to be getting more and more applicable, that people are looking for something they need to fill their void but they forget the most crucial, within themselves and ironically, it can only be done when you feel the most lost, dejected and alone, and only then will you find yourself.

One last most important thing I so needed long ago was to separate need and want. Why hadn't someone told me the difference between needs and wants earlier on... for example, I need you to be happy. and I want you to know that if you ever came back, I'll be more than happy to try again.

Ending soon

"War was a thing close to my heart since I was born in, grew up and lived in it. Tell me about the horrors you've seen"

Eventful day. At least it is finally coming to the end of the depressive cycle. Back in the climb back up, I hope tonight will be the last of the nights where I have to rely so much on writing out my feelings just to keep me from spilling over the edge. It seems that the states or normalities are starting to be long that depressive periods. What might actually happen is that... I might actually be strong enough to defeat this irritating thing alone, once and for all.

I seem to be an extremely complex individual with as many as 8 different possible first impressions that I have left on people. Some people see me as a long lost gentleman, some see me as absolutely childish, some see me as a leader and some see me as the follower. But people don't really think much deeper do they. Just one more layer down, you might be able to see what these 4 have in common.

 I think i'll end today's post early since my need is already gone, with a little quote I have.

Never give to others what sustains you, never show to others what restrains you and never allow another to unchain you.

The worst is over. I hope.

"They say love is the 7th sense that can turn the other 6 senses into nonsense and as powerful as it may seem, is rarer than common sense."

I've lost way too much sleep in the past two weeks just simply mulling over a mistake that i've made. Coupled with the lower points in the depressive cycle. It seems that tonight I've hit the lowest point. My emotions spilled over my limit without my consent. This low has been the lowest since the first episode in 2012, unbelievably too making it possibly one of the toughest times I've faced alone up till now. It has blinded my eyes from what is truly neutrals, what was to harm and what was to help me and instead flipped everything around, almost even had me losing total control and breaking my promise.This shows so much about me, I should never have to fall in love and reach that difficult stage, for should both coincide I will be in trouble. But also today I see that while I may stumble, I definitely did something right in the past for me to still be standing now. Back then, I set something inside me correctly.

The evening was a tough one. Even before, my emotions has never been so fluid before and so explosive. I was suddenly on the verge yet again but simply a name would be enough to bring me back out.

But at least I gain. I stretched my mental and emotional capacity yet,new perspectives and angles to look at problems, But one thing is sure. I will not allow myself to fall for another person anymore, not at least for another few years. Maybe I will, if things don't work out now, maybe. I would have to look for someone who thinks along the same way as me, someone who hates to settle down but wants a home to return to,someone who loves to travel and has a free spirit like me, someone whom i can find emotion, physical and mental solace in when around her. Perhaps I was not meant to find love in my life, perhaps I was not meant for receiving but to give. But still, I need to rebuild this place I've set aside for her, since it was damaged from this rare an episode,Yes I know I can sustain myself pretty well enough but when this space is filled up, I know that everything I knew, everything I have will change for the better a hundred times over and I am hella excited for that time to come. I really hope I have met this person already,I hope it's the same person I have in mind. My my, isn't she just beautiful. I'd love to see her now.

Just now I met a really old friend. She hasn't change much from the last time I seen her. My first teacher really and we still click well. It seems that in a blink of an eye,  a decade has passed already. I am still in shock when she said that I seemed to have the environment in control, but I forgot to feed myself. I guess when you teach that many generations of students it becomes apparent huh.

"Since I met you I see a balance you have, when you forget to give to others you would always look sickly, skinny or tired. When you forget to give to yourself, your eyes would always look tired. And my, your eyes looks so dulled now"

Now that the lowest of the cycle is over, I can look forward to brighter days now. How much I really needed days like that, and thank god for some classmates who could cheer me up everytime.

Again and again

"And as I was once asked, which is more important to a bird, the left or the right wing? Is it more important to love, or be loved?"

Of all times for me to have a flashback/ revelation, it has to be in macroecons lecture. Suddenly thought back to one trying time and how all I did was encourage myself, and helped myself back up again and there was one lesson I needed the most, the most important of all. One I had almost lost my life for. Didn't I already learn how to live by myself? Why is it that now I am in need of someone else to function? And in the midst of a depressive period I had the strength to look up again. It is still gratifying that he still resides somewhere in the recesses of my mind and still watches out for me when I need it most.

Not just that too, even the article I chose for my ICA is a fitting topic for me now. I forgotten how long has it been since I chose to abandon myself in order to be with someone, to change parts of me to crucial that they maintain a certain balance in me just to suit the environment. Now I see truly, What the hell was I thinking? . What are you going to give to people if you give what's most important to sustain yourself away? It's just insulting myself, letting what I built up so painstakingly go to waste in such a short time but hey, I'm looking to redo it. And now I swear, no more. I won't allow this to happen again.

An elder once taught me to take care of a love as if I would to a rose, first to appreciate the rose for what it is, to be aware of what it may do, and to take it as it is, meaningful, painful and beautiful

And this one line keeps on coming back into my head. There are two ways to hurt someone you love. One is by not giving to them, the other is not giving to yourself.

And with this realisation I hope that I may sleep in peace tonight, no nightmares, no emotional waves, no panic attacks. I cannot afford to lose out of my ICA tomorrow. Gonna bullshit for 3 whole minutes again I guess. And probably the harshest of all. I have to be ready to lose you again.