Ghost of my mind

And it could never be any harder living another day trying to make people happy and yet minute by minute the past just keeps on haunting. All that about putting the past down.. every second i'm fighting old battles and every day new ones burden on me. Horrible.

And ever since i did the rebalancing. Hallucinating... My god that is the worse but the images i see.. Horrifying,terrifyingly creepy. It's like the ghost of my mind is starting to come back alive. Walk down the long walkway. Where i turn around i see... Scenes of old. Me and her walking together..the first time i saw my father sad all catching up to me. Look up ahead, i see what could have been and what should have been and what's to come. Everything now is oddly colored and i guess it might be just me but i see the world now in 4 layers. As it is, the emotional side, the side that is only visible to certain individuals who go through shit harsh enough to alter them 360° and more and now,spiritually. It's rather appaling to see holes everywhere in friendships and relationships of other people. I see the backstabbing and the ill wills but on the physical side all i see is smiles. I see who is really happy and who is not and more recently, i've been seeing auras clear as day. And because of this i lose my energy in the day and i see things.. that keep people up at night. The visions i see. One was about me and this is the second time i see it. It seems... I dont have long to live.. the rest were all misfortunes befalling people around me. And i feel rather.. indifferent to that. I'm a horrible guy.

Training ended today on a sour note. I'm starting to feel the consequence of being burned so hard. One part of me has shut off. How am i supposed to be able to dare to go close to anyone now when everytime i do, its now the memory of 3?
That bears down on me and makes me question myself things like 'are you sure you want to hurt them?' Or things like 'you're not good enough' i hate it now that i used to be someone that would try to get people back on their feet and watch them try again. Seems like that's something about me that's never coming back.

Yaknw. I dont want to try anymore. Its a first in quite a long time. I want to give up... I dont want to try to make things better anymore. I'm damn sick of this shit i can never understand why i always want to do so much for shitty people and for people who are just going to keep on hurting me. Oh wait, now i do know. Just to make them happy. Load of bullshit this is.