By Daybreak... I must be okay again. I will be.

 I think i get it when people tell me,'you will understand someday'. The things they do, you will never see but feel only after a long time and when you think back you only wonder, and maybe even feel guilty for not understanding them then. I really understand it now. And it never occured to me how much it would hurt to do things for someone and never let them know why and only hope they will understand.Never has reality dawned on me so hard so quickly that i buckle like this and what more an inopportune time to need someone to lean on really. I'm someone that grows when i'm alone and i love to be alone. Lonliness doesn't affect me but this. This is my first time experiencing the fear of lonliness. I feel the fear in my throat and the pits of my stomach falls and my heart is pressed hard to my ribs and i really feel like breaking down but i cant. Thats the worse part. I cant seem to let out any more than just a sigh and the emotions are building up and when they do come out unbounded by my mind, i hope you will be there. Its been long since i feel towards not of committing suicide but of running away. From everything that's happening and from everything that's about to happen. It's maybe the only other time i finally feel the real, sincere need to have someone there for me but here will forever be the problem. I dont have the heart to burden my family with these feelings of mine, and i definitely do not want to add onto the pressure on my brothers and sister, and... I only trust most people to let them see how i feel but not why. Maybe there is one person. But not her too.... I promised not to drag her into any more of my shit and i promised to be the one protecting her. My my... Tonight will be a harsh night. A really harsh night indeed. I can't wait for pds camp. 

And looks like from past it has taught me that being the one that's willing to give more, you'll lose out. Being the kinder one, you'll be hurt. Being the nicer one, you'll be trampled, crossed, played out and used. And this is what i learnt, not to shut out the world and never be those again but to shut out the people who take advantage of you. And i do that a little too well i think. The show i put up... No one has seen through it yet but that's also where it's scary. It's not really a facade. I wish it was simply a mask...

I have a debt to pay. A huge debt indeed, in money and in favour. And all the mental restructuring and meltdowns that happens nearly everyday. And the recurring memories and the never ending nightmares. And the mistakes i've made. And i find it weird why i can only find peace that i need so dearly in the presence of someone i'm in love with but at the same time the chaos that results because of the conflict in what i want to do, and what i need to do. The people i lost. The things and people that were taken from me. And when the things i fight so hard for hurt me in the end, and everything just comes down on you, it can be a little hard to look up to the sky and say i'm happy to be alive...

I hate relying on people. I guess that might be why i'm so harsh on myself. I don't want to feel vulnerable infront of anyone else except for that one person who deserves to see all of me as who i am. 

And i see the shadows in your eyes, when you have a million things to say,

And when you look down to the floor when you need a hug, and when you scratch your ring on your wrist because you miss the blade, and when your fingers trace your scars when you're falling apart inside.

You've been losing sleep and you've been losing weight, your laughter sounds so empty and you tell me you're okay.

To be very honest, i actually... Need a shoulder to cry on. Someone to comfort me. Writing out shit like this helps so much but nothing beats knowing that someone is there wishing and waiting, and maybe even caring for you.

"A guy like me is a dime's a dozen but a girl like you is a diamond in the rough"