Meh.

 And i realise my feelings. My alters. They exist in cycles. Kind of strange is it not? For a period i will be the leader and for another i need a leader. This week it seems i am in control. The highest point of my life, where i know everything is stable because i finally woke the hell up and put everything back into its place. And it is this time my kindness exists in its strongest forms, the 'good' in me is at its best. I'm at my most reliable, my most assuring state of mind and i know what i want, i know who i need, i know why i do what i do. And this time of peace is also where i find happiness everywhere. I don't rely on someone else for me to be happy, and instead i look for people who do need that shoulder. And its this time i want everyone around me to be happy. I mean, it's a hefty price to pay to understand pain. Too heavy a price to pay i guess...

Come on. I see me as having seven main states. One bright and dark side, each side being three shades brighter and darker , and one neutral I'm in control of only 4. . So now im at the stable bright. Positive, down-to-earth, loyal and the sorts. And yes this state should last because after clarity, i seen people differently. On an auric basis, everyone's sillhouette changed. Most turned slightly bigger and more colorful, only one withdrawn. And the positivity flying around does affect me i guess. I dont have control over the extremities yet. A big yet. I don't have control over the lower two darker shades too. That's when he takes over, and it's also when i'm that emotionally perturbed. But on the big scale, i'm either really happy or really sad inside and as of now i'm really happy. Take a long bus ride, i look out and enjoy the sun and enjoy things moving around. When i'm sad, i look out and reminisce.

I wish that i wasnt this kind and softhearted. I'm not treating some people the way they should be. Afterall... I do hate them somehow. But i still cannot bear to see them sad. You know. I wanna rant out how i feel so honestly. Even now i still get this kind of confusing feelings sigh. And i won't hide this. The loss of someone so close... Is really unnerving. And you add it on with the loss of someone you had such intense feelings for. It's pretty heavy a burden to bear. No matter, just one more added on me.

I spent much of my time reviewing the oast today and i looked back on the four people. The first person, changed the way i see life and the way to approach life because of the words she told me; the experience she had and given to me. I don't hate her anymore. She taught me to be cautious about love. Now she's one of the people i respect, and miss the most.

The second changed the way i treated friends. He betrayed my trust time and time again but he did something out of the norm. He saved my life twice. And now he's the closest person to me. The person i tell literally everything to. In essence, it's almost always because of him i give up the thoughts of suicide.

The third person well... He insulted me in one of the worst way possible by going after my sister and a few good friends. And yeah. The only thing he showed me was to be careful who i choose, and to be fake to others until i can trust them.

And the fourth... Let's just say that because of this person, i dont exactly dare to be close to other people anymore. Because of this person i question this thing called 'Friendship' and how real 'Love' is, and for a moment in time, even question why i did what i did.

And you know, all the people who are here had the biggest impact on my life. I wonder who's the fifth..