To the future

So many things i want to rant. I wish i could. Things go a little like this.. The bigger the responsibility, the bigger the burden. Emotionally, psychologically, physically and soon to come, financially. I guess the all the thinking and times i isolated myself came to fruition. It's a fact i don't need another to live. It's a fact i need another to have all these. Not financial security, but the emotional and psychological and physical security. I can't psyche myself to have all these. All of these are things that are given by another willingly.

And about the part about responsibility. I'm the eldest of the siblings. I'm the elder son of the family name(traditional). I'm going to be someone's boyfriend, husband, and father. So my parental instinct has already kicked in that's for sure. One day i'm going to see my wife get morning sickness. Then complaints of not feeling well. Stupid midnight cravings. I'll see swollen feet and all the other things i dont want to think about for now. If i don't start being the protector, when will i be ready? I guess over the years of gettin people out of depression and talking to them and sometimes even being physically there for them, i earned the role of a general protector. I feel worried if a friend is out late, or if she is alone, or if he is feeling down. I get upset if a close friend has met into trouble. And i guess what always drags me down, is that if someone i deem irreplaceable is broken inside, i break with them. Even when i see a total stranger alone, i'd move a little closer to make sure he/she is okay. Aren't i weird... And when i go out with the clique. I get super sensitive to the people around us. It's almost like i can't bear to see people hurt.

Then here comes commitment. It's not everyday i meet someone who can make me forget the fear of commitment. Back and forth and back and forth again my feelings keep swaying. I won't go against my own rules..But knowing me my feelings moves fast and logic doesn't stay long in my head. One day my whole mindset can change and i'll become so introverted or an unbelievable extrovert. Sigh... Doesn't change the fact i'll almost always be worrying.

A day will come where someone in the clique will betray me directly. I don't know... Saw it in a premonition just now. Maybe i'm just paranoid. I see you going further and further away from me..

I guess there's one more person added to this list of keeping me alive. It's rare but tonight, i get to drown in alchohol.