Bored and drinking

I got this one question just now and...it makes all the sense i took so long to find.

"Shouldn't love be found in someone that makes you feel like yourself and not someone you have to be?"

I had a little too much to drink tonight and...being a little tipsy let me access a part of my mind i thought i'd lost so long ago. These memories i tried so hard to forget,they were never gone,just placed somewhere deep in my head

I spent so much time hurting when i saw cold replies and hard stares, so much emotions on someone who took them for dust. All the tears i cried grieving for the loss i had while i watch them happy with the new person they found and all the days i spent replaying the memories and the nights wishing they would maybe turn around. I lost my sleep thinking where i done wrong and i lost my appetite reminiscing what i done and in all that i lost my identity and i had to have someone else take my place because i was too weak to hold my ground and stand up. All i could do was to shrink into a corner in the shadow of others and cry. Thinking to always be better but never enough when the person comes along and always scared that one day i might be ...all alone. Again.And i struggled and fought with my life to get back up, to be strong enough to be the support and what happens? I see nobody. It's all empty around and here i am again.Falling for someone already taken and now i have to get used to it. Seeing that everyday, biting down the bitter, trying to forget the sweet moments but i can't. I admit defeat, I really can't. The feelings grow stronger everyday and i may have gotten my appetite and sleep back but i still...can't quite still my heart. And the first time i ever isolated myself from the world was for the same reason, that in hopes i wont do something stupid out of desperation or pure emotions because emotions are my driving force,the very essence of me. And that...the past haunts me again. How i lost her then, when she told me the very same line, "Maybe we are not fated to be" and 'Maybe someone will give you a miracle". She had meant literally the world to me. She changed the way i saw life, the way i treated girls, the way i treated anyone and that line coming from her killed me. So...hearing that line again destroys me. No wonder people drink to drown their sorrows. And now the loss of two is bearing on me and its hard to feel happy. The wine is starting to taste a little more bitter now. What is this...Now i have to bear seeing something i'm dying for right in front of me, when she's happy i can smile but when she's sad ,all i can do is smile too. You know, Im sick of this shit. I gave up my manipulative nature to be transparent and i get taken advataged of. That was the very thing that protected me and now i have Derrick. He knows this side of me is too weak so he will and...Now i see he will come whenever i am in distress. I shouldn't fight against him anymore. Like...if i ever fall for someone it's my whole being, my whole soul there for you so its really tiring for me to ever commit. Cus when i commit a part of my life will be given up. And so far...always to the wrong people. The right people a few times, but always at the wrong time. Circumstances yes, but i'm sick. Maybe i should try to find my happiness...maybe staying a bachelor would be better hehe. I mean i spent my whole life searching for something and every time i have a chance at it it fails. How am i supposed to feel?

I'm not tired out anymore when my feelings rush out like this. It really hurts and my heart sours but...I've to get used to it. Like always..It's been forever. I really, deeply miss you.

Now...a little tipsy. But only when i am.