And yet now,I'm tired. Really tired but at this point...There's no structure left in my mind. It's just a wasteland now but still there is only a few people that i want to see. The first time i reached this point all I wanted to see again was Aaron , Glenson, my siblings and the girl that changed me and now it's the same. Suddenly i miss them so, so hard and i only want to be with them now. It's coming to 3 in the morning, I'm too scared to fall asleep. The only person i want to see now is aaron or glenson. I stare out my window and i see the memories playing. Yes they are. Faster and Faster each time and i feel the urge to see them like maybe i'll never see them again. Time has no meaning to me anymore, for tonight at the least. Not when there's someone knocking at the back of my head and trying to take over.
At least with this relapse i still can use it to my advantage. Everything must balance, so for the chaos now in my head i can use it as a wild factor for my music to drastically improve it. It's probably the only thing that can help me now. but for now i'm going to watch my whole life take another huge turn and all i can do is watch until my subconscious is ready to put things back in order, until it is ready to take up the front seat again. It's going to be another few months of struggling.. i'm just afraid this time it'll take years to win. And i can't ask any of my friends for help, what can they do really? I can't turn to my parents, I've worried them once especially my mother. I guess truly it goes back to aaron and glenson because... they mean the most to me now and i can be absolutely transparent with them. I miss secondary school. I dont want to do this poly shit anymore. I dont want to grow out and interact with people i dont want the burden of another person on my back. i dont even know if what im saying makes sense.. nothing really makes sense anymore. My head keeps hurting anyway.
Guilt.Anger.Confusion.Love.Happiness.Excitement.Sadness.Greed. and many many more. so many colours in my head.
Everything will balance again. I am a Scales. And balance first before anything else.
I'm sorry friends who are reading this. But for the first time, I actually really doubt myself whether I can overcome this time alone like this,and I'm sorry you have to see me in this pitiful state and you have to know this pitiful person and this isn't even the worse state i've been to. If there ever is a day where i don't turn up at school don't worry. I just need some time really, really alone. If you see me out of sorts in school please don't over-provoke me. The person responding may not always be me. I may not always be cheery and annoying because the heavy mood swings will come with all that rubbish. But also in this time ii want to fight this and overcome this alone so maybe... i can finally get over my need to have people around me to be happy. Maybe because of this i'll get to see who are the ones who regard me truly as a close friend, and who i know i can really say i love them, I know what i want. I just don't know how the shit i am going to get there. And when i do, it's a whole new me again.
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