This was over lunch damnit.

Felicia said this.
'A guy always gains after he breaks up or loses a person'

That's actually really true. For me at least...And i started to think back. Since Sec 3 up to my Y1 in Poly. The people, the flings i had,4 of them only, and what had they brought me? Nothing but grief. Some were self inflicted. But there was one girl that changed me from that... Playboy-ish me to a reserved me. To the me that everyone knows. The rest? All the people i that i was once so close to and then suddenly just distanced from them. And all i could see and remember was the pain associated with them and that after every fling i would tell myself never to fall in love again and i'll have one more feature in a girl that i would die to avoid. At one point of time i was actually terrified to be even physically close to a girl. Then i took another look at my lockscreen which said..

"Perhaps, it is not the intensity of your love, but the quality of people you are loving"
-Warsan Shire

And that slapped me awake. Just gave me a good punch in my head and i realised. Why the shit am i focusing on those that makes me sad and not on the one who changed me for the better? Why am i not looking for someone to move up with me, and always to help another up and to get dragged down...

But theres only one problem i guess. I'll tend to be more attached to people who resemble my first in any way...

But still, i suddenly know what i want. The sky seems brighter, music seems clearer, my appetite is back and one more important feeling is back. That stable happy is back. I mean yeah i'll definitely feel sad but for no more. I mean i can't, and i won't stand myself to be sad and depressed. If i've won before, i'll do it again.


On a side note, changing the way i speak also helped. Instead of i can't, i won't. I rather tell myself that i'm in power of myself than submit. So for example, i'm not gonna let anymore of my emotional shitstorms affect my relations with people anymore.

On another side note, it seems he is back. Oh how i welcome his presence now. I can let him do all the violent stuff when it is needed.

And here's the best part. I feel my heart and mind opening again.