As you guys know, I'm among the most overprotective, sometimes possessive, most of the time sensitive behind my face, many a times aloof in front of yours, mainly unbelievably motherly and mostly ridiculously philosophical and even a die-hard-fan-for-friends kind of guy. So what i'm trying to say is that if ever you get close enough to me for me to tell you eg. who i like or what i like, then you've pretty much earned a loyal person. If i ever get close enough with you to tell you jokes and make you laugh and i act all stupid just to cheer you up or i do some things to make you feel better, you earned a shoulder to lean on. If i ever get close enough to sit in silence with you and still look in your eyes without feeling awkward then please what ever you do can just make or break my day.Most people end up in the second line. There's that few that made it all the way and... while i'm emotional it's not that easy to piss me off. I mean, it takes something pretty important to me to make me angry and nevermind the fact that some of them may have pissed me off before or annoyed the shit out of me because, i'm emotional and well it would be wrong to take it out on them so i rather that i take it out somewhere else, either alone or out here on this blog where i can rant and forget.But the moment you step on something that important to me, it's usually an irreversible reaction.
Four people crossed that line already. Only one i still talk to now. Usually when that happens the way i see you as a person changes. You dare to step on something so important to me, so what am i to you? True, i'll spend the night in all kinds of agony but by daybreak, the damage is done, the pain is dealt, the tears have been cried. Any grieving will be left after because by then,I don't see you even as a person anymore. I'll take it as you don't even exist I'll numb my feelings to you and slowly let them go and usually by the second day you're no more than a stranger to me. If there is ranking of worst feelings i feel then this is it. So if you ever make me go through this, then no matter how much you mean to me i won't have any qualms about throwing you away as a friend. As far as i know, i won't even be able to look you in the eye anymore. Come on. The night is spent a little like this. All the joys, grief, laughter fun sadness anger of the whole time i've known you comes together into just that one night, I replay everything then i throw them all away. Normal people would go insane if not for something in my mind keeping me in check every minute. And the line i set afterwards... even i feel a little guilty but fuck you. The intensity of the feelings that goes through, even i'm amazed by me surviving. And i think this is the worst consequence. I rein my feelings in really hard and... i change.This one a permanent one. The more people that crosses that line, the more i distrust people in general. I mean the first, she changed the way i lived. The second changed the way i chose my friends. The third changed the people i lend my shoulder to. The fourth changed the way i saw love. And i can't go back to who i was before i met that person. And if i ever still can show you how i feel after that happens, don't ever take it as a panic response. It's really and truly, the last words i couldn't say. And it's not in conversing but in silence that the loudest words are spoken and the deepest thoughts are heard. And if by then you still couldn't understand then maybe, the time spent with that person was truly a waste of time. Then i rather not waste anymore on that one person and move on, get myself back up, get happy again. I give up on you.
Since i'm back here, i decided that this place will be more of a time to time update and maybe when i feel like writing stories muhaha. i wont have the time to blog as much so yeah... and now that i'm in FB it's gonna be even more hectic but hey, my group is amazing. The orientation was AMAZING. Still can't get over the fact that i didnt dare to speak to many of them just because they were that pretty *~* ahh. Spoiled a shoe . Workload is increasing damnit. But hey i still get to go back to peirce and that makes me happy. I kind of miss the laughing there. AT LEAST I CAN GO BACK ON MONDAY FOR A FULL TRAINING YAYHEY :D . I wanna go back to the past...i miss the innocence.
And they say, a nightmare with the right one is heaven on earth and a dream come true with the wrong one is a living hell.
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