The fall.

So the last post was how happy I was, and for every rise there must be its fall. So...here I describe what happens to me other than the happy things. Hope this answers dear anon. I won't write anymore like this, too straining on my mind.I'm just a little afraid by the time I'm finished here my mind will be too messed up to comprehend anymore tonight so by the end of this post I may end up writing about something else and not even know. At least if I do this now when my mind is more stable, I won't have to worry about me doing anything stupid.

No physical self-harm was done, I couldn't even bear to scratch myself anyway.


So when someone can make you happy, happier than you can imagine and things start crashing down. That wasn't so bad. but couple with other big factors in my life and that actually really hurt. And this emotional low-high isn't just once. It can happen many times in a day and if there is one thing i hate, that is huge changes to my surroundings, and my emotions and if both of them occur together it takes a gigantic toll on me. Not much surprise i sometimes always seem so listless in school.. and for the first time in a year after my past I doubted myself. I actually spent the mornings questioning how I'm not good enough for her and the night regretting why hadn't i done something a little more for her.And all of a sudden I was self-conscious, I bothered about my looks, I bothered about how i spoke, I bothered about literally everything. My mind used to be so carefree and now it feels locked down by physical cares and it wasn't helped by the fact that my psychological state was also starting to break down. I spend the days actually wondering and worrying when she was sad, and you know when she's smiling at her phone or someone else makes her smile, okay this is fucking childish and I can control it and its like really recent, I feel that jealousy. And I have to say, it is the first time I have ever felt jealousy to, and for anyone. And now it's this stupid concoction of jealousy, anger, confusion, sadness, lust even. And the closest I am to showing it to people, is when I suddenly look very tired. High emotions wear me out very quickly. There were many times i nearly broke down in school if not for him. And when i'm away from her my heart just pines for her. Sour feelings...dying to see her and they say animation is emotion-propelled? Now i remember why i wanted to learn animation.

Here comes the serious part. So i've never been this willing to sacrifice for a person, it doesn't just affect my thinking anymore. It affected my appetite, and my sleep, and even my personality. I remember how I used to be happier, more cheerful and much more brighter and now...it's like i dulled and withdrew into my shell and it's a replay of the past in every single detail and now i'm embroiled in it again and that...stings. And sometimes i get so frustrated i feel like destroying everything around me. Violent tendencies are getting stronger everyday. I've yet to actually turn emo in school though...For my appetite i've been bouncing back and forth between eating like a mouse and serious binging. Some days I don't even want to see a grain of rice, some days I want to stuff myself till I cannot move.Typical signs of frustrations.But the sleep part... that is new to me even. I usually have pretty morbid dreams and recently, I keep seeing her. I see her face and she's going away and my hands can't move and I'm panicking, and crying, and screaming and suddenly i jump awake screaming her name, literally covered in sweat and sometimes even, in tears. And this stupid dream's been there for almost 2 weeks now and it can happen several times a night, so sometimes i don't sleep anymore. And these are the nightmares that get to me and I don't ever know if I'll get a good night's sleep any time soon. And now there is this all-too-familiar feeling, whenever i see her my chest hurts. It really hurts badly enough I double over just to catch my breathe sometimes. Then my mind starts running...and running... everywhere. In class, while playing, while eating, I am there in the conversation but a different set of gears is running. So now after my other personality returned.. he brought friends and it seems the back of my head is never quiet. I see he even came out once today. My heart numbed again. I fear what it might bring this time...

Writing this took me me over 3 hours plus a damned nap, and many times i had to stop to play the guitar to stop myself from losing myself. Even he had to knock me back into place one.

But writing these two posts made me realise this. Happiness is found from within and given by someone else but pain is almost always self-inflicted and this time it is no different.

Except this time i have no idea how it got so fuvking bad even my dreams were affected... Pretty damn serious there.

Now my head is in a mess, my mind doesn't feel like my own and i feel so, so tired. But my heart doesn't want to stop. And...What I said 2 years ago is really true. I don't deserve another person...all i do is bring pain everywhere i go. This is where i start my recovery. I've faced up to the feelings and it's about damn time i put things back in order.
And i never imagined a day that i'd need to do something this drastic.