Sleepyyyyyyy

I just find it a little... Odd that anything that happens now can remind me of something that happened so long ago. I mean, to remind me of a side i so painfully put down last year that ruled my mind since i could remember anything at all. A solemn, stone cold heart absolutely devoid of feelings and emotions. I do miss that period in time... That also happened to be the time i could play with emotions really well. I still can now, except with a high cost and only for a good reason. But back then, so break a heart was to toy with a flower. I'd pluck the petals so easily and break the stem and leave the remnants to rot among the grasses. Until a certain someone came along and for the first time in my whole life, it was weird the way she replied me then. I toyed with her for over 6 months and when she finally said, 'good luck to you too' i was actually... Shaken. It was the first time i felt the loss of a friend and that gave me a long and hard transformation period, along with the breakup and it didn't help that at that time, it was O levels and my family wasn't doing well and people were arguing. And it seems i turned out just the way i needed to be. With one major flaw i guess... I turned out a little more.. Loyal than i like. I mean, what's the point when i can commit and give so much and get hurt in the end? I still like how i got the darker traits of my parents and my brother got the more innocent traits of them. He got their rational mindset, i got the emotion. He got the sharp tongue i got the sweet talker and so on. Just... Pondering ehehe.

And it seems that the burden on my heart is lightening. Forgiving someone really feels enlightening hehe. It seems that i hated this person to the core and yes knowing me, i do really harsh things but when i saw this person find happiness again, i started to feel the forgiveness and i finally put down my grudge. I really am stupidly kind. Forgiving someone because they're happy... Still one more person to go

Dance has been going well. My hits and animations are turning smoother and bugger and more impressive but it's still not camera worthy yet. Joining fb... Might take too long to get the results i want. I mean i need te basica but this is way too slow. I want to get into the specialisations and the hard, hard popping trainings. But even then i'm still not so convinced that fb can give me what i want..

Gah. I should never ever learn a song because of someone. Now that's a song i can't play because whenever i do it reminds me of her. Ah... I really am very bitter inside. Giving so much to make others happy that i forgot about the repercussions of doing so. Giving by taking... Would cause that bitterness to stay inside me and when shit goes down that same thing grows. I won't lose rein of my feelings so easily but it seems they won't let me control them that well either. I miss the feeling of... Falling in love. When you see the person and all you think is' wow, why am i so lucky to have found her' and you don't mind giving more to make her happy. I miss the feeling of being there for someone so much that i'm the first person they turn to and wanting to be there so much they're all i think about sometimes. And definitely this, the feeling when you know she feels the same way. Wow.. I miss that.

I wonder why i will give so much to that one person. No, i'm starting to wonder if it's even right to be giving so much and to be willing to do so much. I see superficiality wherever i go. Maybe because i was raised by the older generations and my mindset is really old ( when you have my word, you can count on me) ghe english gentlemen age. My pledge is my bond and my promise becomes my prison if... The other person leaves. I promised forever but its starting to seem a little long without her there with me huh.